Sometimes God slows life down because He wants you to see something.

God has really been persistent to make me just be still. and I have fought it. I am realizing that I like to be busy, which in and of itself is not a bad thing. But this week has reminded me that often times we just have to be still and wait. I think so often I want to "feel" God, which actually sounds kinda silly if you think about it. What does that even mean? I think I got to the point where I only felt close to God if I had some emotional experience. This week has shown me, among other things, that it is not about feeling God, but KNOWING Him, and that often looks very different. Sometimes to know God, you have to just wait on Him. It may seem like He is being quiet or has turned His back on you, but He hasn't. When you truly know God, "feeling" Him doesn't seem so important anymore.

This week has been perticularly difficult for me, not because it has been hard or straining, but more the opposite; God has forced me to be still and wait. I got to the point where I felt so restless and I felt so purposeless that I was about to break down. But then I realized, this time of waiting and silence I was experiencing was just what I needed. God was giving this time to me as an amazing gift. I think it is funny how I can say things so many times to others, but then when it comes to time to applying that to my own life, I fail miserably. I don't know how many times this trip I have said, "these kind of trips are not always about DOing something". But then of course, when I started to feel like i wasn't doing anything, I got upset and restless. My mom reminded me of the importance and power of prayer. Somehow I had forgotten that with out prayer, there is no way of me knowing God, and if that is my ultimate goal, shouldn't I be doing that? She reminded me that I might never have 10 days to just "be" and pray and listen. And could there be a better place to be in a posture of prayer; this country needs to much prayer and I am sitting here surrounded my people that need prayers. And the best part is, I have the time to do it! Jesus would just sit for days and just pray and be. I had been looking at this situation i was in all wrong; there was an abundance of things for me to "do" I just didn't see it. So now when I am working at the shop and as people constantly come in and out, I can be praying for them, even if I don't know them.

I so often just forget how powerful God is. That might sound silly, but even if I say i know God is powerful, often times they way I act would imply that i have to do it on my own. I think I am beginning to find a new side of God; God as the companion. It is almost embarressing to say, but despite being surrounded by people all day long here, I often get lonely. It is almost funny to me bacause India is one of the most crowded places in the world, and I don't think I have ever seen a place without people around, yet I still feel alone... how could that be? Again, I was looking at my situation with eyes that weren't focused on the right things; it is ok to feel lonely, and it is in that loneliness that I am forced to turn to God not just or comfort and peace, but for true companionship. Today, in trying to focus more on praying throughout the day, I realized how often my prayers begin to sound rehersed and "preachy", even when I am just praying to myself I still think in the back of my mind that i have to sound all proper. That is so funny to me...but today, as I was laying down for a little nap after work, I prayed, but not in a way of me thinking of speaking, but just had a time being with God. I realized that I didn't even need to say anything, and oftentimes my thoughts just get in the way.

Anyway, sorry I don't have anything "exciting" to update on. I have said this before I think, but since i have been here in Pune for over 3 weeks, I feel like I am just living normal life. The "honeymoon period" is more or less over and I am just in real life. Everything is still new everyday and super uncomfortable (in a good way), but I have to remember that normal daily life is often times a little slow. But at the same time, I have learned so much more from just getting to experience real life, as compared to a nonstop traveling and "excitment". I am glad I got to do that the first month i was here, but I am even more glad that i have this month here in Pune to contrast with it.

I started reading this book by Henri Nouwen called "Gracias" yesterday and it seriously couldn't have come to me at a better time... It is his journal of his trip to Latin America. Almost the entire first chapter sounded like I had written it (although he is a much better writer than I) but the ideas and thoughts and fears he was having were so similiar to mine as I am in India. It was almost surreal. I love how things like that happen.

I guess that's all for now. I hope this post wasn't depressing, in fact, I hope that it was rather hopeful. I feel much more hopeful. Nothing has really changed. Except I guess my perspective. I think I was almost embaressed to say before that this trip has been hard for me. I don't know why It is do difficult to be vulnerable and admit our fears. But I'll admit it; this is hard. Being alone, scared and unsure of anything to come can take it's toll on me. But at the same time it has made growth possible and I wouldn't change anything.

Nouwen, in the book talks about how it is often difficult for him to prayer and so when he wakes up in the middle of the night or even just throughout the day he prays "Lord, give me the desire to pray!" -- I have said that many times today.